Right now I’m working on revising and editing my novel … again. Still. I’ve been revising and editing since the invention of maple syrup, since the time when people first started using fur for blankets at night, since the dawn of dinosaurs, since rocks. I have been revising and editing for a very long time.
Because I’ve decided to e-publish, it does not escape me that at some point, I will put this book out there. That’s the point, right? But as I revise and edit I have been thinking, what if this is the crappiest book of all time, and I’m going to put it out there, and you all are going to read it, and then you’ll KNOW that it is the crappiest book of all time? And when you see me at parties you’ll get that panicked look on your face, the one where suddenly all you can think of is “CRAPPY BOOK AUTHOR” but you’re trying to talk about other things, oh, the weather, my new shoes (ha, I never buy shoes), or your pets, and suddenly you’ll say “Yes, the rain has been torrential hasn’t it, the basement flooded HOLY SH*T DOES YOUR BOOK SUCK sorry, didn’t mean to say that out loud, well, Eugene and I must be leaving now” and then you’ll run out the door and I won’t be invited back because I ruined the party.
But let’s not panic. Let’s look on the potential bright sides:
- How many people can say “I know the person who wrote the crappiest book of all time”? You will be able to say that.
- Sometimes, things are so bad that they’re good. Note that the movie Xanadu is an exception. I rented it to watch, thinking “Hahaha! It’ll be cheesy funny bad-good!” But it was just bad. I fast forwarded through most of it and was depressed afterward because I had thought it would be bad-good funny but in fact it just sucked and was a waste of my time. HOWEVER it’s possible that my book will be bad-good funny.
- Or at least that there will be a couple good lines. There’s a line in my book that involves the word “monkey” and it makes me laugh every time I read it. Monkeys are funny. Maybe I should write a book about monkeys?
I’ve been thinking too about writing a ghost story. Maybe a monkey ghost story? What would that be like? Perhaps a novel that is so funny and scary at the same time that the whole time you’re reading it your face is frozen in a scream of either laughter or fear?
- Another bright side: Maybe there’s a TV executive out there looking for the next best reality TV show, and he or she will be lying in bed one night, or in the shower, or wherever he/she has his best thoughts, and he/she will suddenly burst out “AUTHORS OF CRAPPY BOOKS!!” And will then devise a reality TV show in which the authors of the crappiest books of all time compete for a million dollars through, I don’t know, doing obstacle courses made up of the physical manifestations of missing plot points or something. And he or she would think of me FIRST and of course I would win, so this crappy book could LEAD ME TO A MILLION DOLLARS IT TOTALLY COULD HAPPEN.
- The most important bright side, I suppose, is the fact that once the book is out there I can then move past this book and onto the next.
Maybe I should package my book with a copy of Xanadu, and tell people to watch the movie first, so they then think “Well at least it was better than Xanadu.” It’s all relative, right?
Maybe I just need to add in more monkeys.